spine xrays show that DJD has progressed to my spine...eventually will need surgery...eh, at least i knew it was coming one day...

i have 2 snazzy black suede wrist/hand braces now...i have to go to a specialist for the ones i need for my elbows...*sigh*...

AND THAT IS ALL DUE TO SHIT THAT WAS WRONG WITH ME BEFORE THE FUCKING ACCIDENT!!!

*sigh*

i had the braces on for a little while yesterday...they bothered me...at least they're black suede, neoprene would have sucked...maybe if i polished my nails (what little i have of them) i'd like wearing them...i don't have to wear them all of the time, just supposed to when the pain is intolerable even when on the meds or when i am doing something that might need lots of motor/hand skills (like cooking, for example)...so basically that means i am going to be wearing the damned things at least 6 hours a day...

my hair is long...silver...i need new clothes for my pants are falling down, and i took in about 2-3" a month back...i am sleeping better now, but sometimes longer than 8 hours now (ain't that a blip?) and i think i am going to have to set my alarm to prevent my sleeping in...at least during the week, weekends are meant for sleeping...

it's gloomy here today...i am making a CD case for a mix CD that i am making for paul since he answered a trivia question i had posted in twitter a while back...it's kinda overdue...EEK! it's WAY overdue...

...at least i wrote it down in my project list! (hell, at least i remembered to write it down in my project list!!! *laugh*)

neurontin dosage has been reduced because it turns me into a major idiot...but still have moments when logic escapes me, but getting used to doing things that require full on brainiac a go-go before i take my medication...

my psychiatrist and my psychologist are at odds with each other...i told them both to play nice or i am going to fire them both and retain other services since my doctor can maintain/monitor my medication (and said she would) and i was just seeing the psychologist because it was merely part of the whole closed-head injury recovery program...and frankly, it never really did all that much for me except let me vent about my treatment...i guess that is what it is meant to do...i will not regain certain memories and have lost skills once learned...some might come back in time, some have to be re-learned...i've accepted it all and moved on...so why should i keep a dance partner that only performs one step?

...besides, i get more emotional help from humans -- and daily meditation and devotional practice suits me just fine.

happy birthday, william...hope you have had a super day...

====================

i seem to be at a point in life where i am simply maintaining...neurontin dosage increase a few weeks back makes certain tasks hard to focus on and/or hard for me to have clear cognitive function (kinda like my frontal lobe is on vacation sometimes...doc told me that might happen and that to do anything like balancing my checkbook before i take it in the morning)...i told the psychologist that if this continues, that it is not worth it and we have to explore another option...it is bad enough that before this i had a hard time remembering nouns on occasion, but to be frustrated over not being able to do basic mental functions REALLY pisses me off...i think that i should have just kept matters to myself and learned to live with it...granted nothing will ever be the same again, except that my artwork has become highly creative...so i guess there is something beneficial to living with a closed head injury...

====================

traction therapy now is fixing some kinks that i still have...afterwards, i do some circuit training, followed by cardio on a nu-step machine...then some myofascial release therapy and then heat therapy...so yeah, i LOVE physical therapy NOW...if you had asked me last summer, i would have told you to get bent...

====================

i've decided that when i reach the accident anniversary this year, i'm going to the location and place a black rose in remembrance of the mind i seem to have lost -- and to celebrate the new one that has opened me up to a whole new marvelous world in which my creativity flows like a raging river...though i might not always remember what i have said the day before or that the word for 'train' is 'train' and stomp my foot (*laugh*), the doctors are right -- i have a gift that is only becoming greater as my recovery and healing continue...

...guess this might have been the best thing to have ever happened to me?

(no, having my kids and meeting william were the 3 best things to have ever happened to me -- and obviously are important since i can still remember their birthdays!)

follow me: http://www.twitter.com/xtinalloyd

i'm still alive...and today, i especially feel it...

i woke up to the smell of my daughter burning breakfast in the toaster...then while i was making coffee using "la machina" in the living room, i got my foot caught in a folded up scooter, providing me with a very intensely purple arch on my left foot...as i sat and was filling out legal papers, i thought i had everything ready for mailing until i saw that i had forgotten to put 4 signed releases that i observed were mocking me as they lay upon my end table...

...then it was on to the shower!

my karma shampoo bar cracked and fell apart in my hand, but it smelled heavenly as i washed my red tresses...got soap in my eye, reached for my favorite veganese hair conditioner by lush when i knocked over a bottle of essence of patchouli oil that shattered all about the place...i have one of those invisible slivers in my left hand now...and upon toweling, i realized that i had forgotten to wash out my conditioner...

i worked some more on a piece of art for my grandmother, since i am going to venture up there for another visit and to take her to places no one else ever seems to find the time to take her to...my cousins are just idiots, my mother too busy handling the financial crap when she goes up, my 2 aunties don't do shit (one only goes up there 2 times a year)...as i was doing this, i proceeded to slice off the tip of my finger with an xacto knife...

now i am about to embark on re-learning a computer language that i have known for ages, but due to the accident cannot even decipher programs that i wrote years ago...i have a kettle going, some roosbois and jasmine blossom tea in the ball awaiting it's steam bath...and i am going to reheat some leftovers from last night -- a risotto i made with garlic, peas, parmesan and portabellos and a hunk of some foccacia that still remains...all in the hopes of enjoying watching the sun go down while i sit outside and study...

...a question for the masses: out of all of these things i have mentioned, which one do i actually PHYSICALLY feel?

============================================

oh, ted? i still have not bailed on the remaining GM stock i own...

john? i'm only dancing...

...to music that no one else will ever be able to hear.

...i turned 44 on 1/11 -- i am now going to start celebrating the count of years until i die.

it is the thousandth forgetting of a dream dreamt a thousand times and forgotten a thousand times, and who can damn us merely for forgetting for the thousandth time?" ~ Kafka

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

in december, i went to spent some solo, silent spiritual time in a cabin in colorado...when i went to the main lodge to catch my ride to the airport i looked up at a television screen...first, i was in a dazed state for i had not heard any sound besides what was outside of my lodge in days much less even looked at a television screen (since there were no electronics)...mouth agape as i saw the headline on CNN -- santa claus had massacred a family...

...there went the innocence of hundreds of thousands of children.

i eventually made my way to the upper peninsula of michigan to meet up with my mom and my kids who were already with my grandmother...gma is slipping even moreso, but still shoot straight when it comes to speaking to me...she asked about my speech halting at times and the occasional tremors, and i had to remind her that i was in an accident in the summer but that i am getting better each and every day...she handed me an envelope -- "get me a t-shirt in DC"...i laughed for she can't remember that i was crushed by a truck, but she sure as all get out can remember that i was going to travel to DC for the inauguration...

i saw a LOT of roadster_guy on the television when i returned to my home after the holidays...damn, baby! you look good with hair!!! *smile* still the go-to guy for fox news when it comes to the automotive industry, if they only knew what he was REALLY like *wink wink*...hearing about the tragedy within my own state day in and day out was getting almost too much to bear, so i began to prepare for this quick experiment...

i went to DC to partake in a 24 hour experiment...6 strangers were invited to the home of a GW professor...we all had different/varying political views, were of different age cohorts but we all had one thing in common -- we all acknowledged that this was history in the making...it was almost like the big chill, in a way -- just that we did not know one another before we arrived...good food, good company, the occasional "feisty" argument between the 21 year old young idealist (my, he has loads to learn) and the 63 year old republican (yes, i sat and actually liked the bastard the more i spoke with him)...went to the inaugration where we were told to photograph like mad, and send photos to the professor for he wanted to see if they defined who we were as well as our political ideologies...i'm still going through them all...so for 48 hours i was consumed with going to and from DC...

now i am back in my real world...

returned to occupational therapy where i was measured for splints for my left elbow and for both hands/wrists...back in music therapy where i am singing duets now with a girl who looks like melissa ethridge...making a simple website for a man in illinois who is running for alderman who at one time was involved in the investigation and arrest of john wayne gacy (this guy is incredibly nice too) that william referred over to me (he's busy out there, so i guess the move has proved to be for the better)...i forced my sister to wake up and get her first mammogram -- only to have it come back with a 2mm mass...further testing showed that she was lucky...the surgeon exam went well and she goes back in 3 months for another mammogram...i have another one next tuesday (since i blew it off in july & this past monday my doc got all pissy at me for not going in december)...

...by the way, kafka was right.

(so...how are you?)

If programming languages were religions...
By amz at 14:52
And now, for some off-topic:
"If programming languages were religions"
(Inspired by "If programming languages were cars")

C would be Judaism - it's old and restrictive, but most of the world is familiar with its laws and respects them. The catch is, you can't convert into it - you're either into it from the start, or you will think that it's insanity. Also, when things go wrong, many people are willing to blame the problems of the world on it.

Java would be Fundamentalist Christianity - it's theoretically based on C, but it voids so many of the old laws that it doesn't feel like the original at all. Instead, it adds its own set of rigid rules, which its followers believe to be far superior to the original. Not only are they certain that it's the best language in the world, but they're willing to burn those who disagree at the stake.

PHP would be Cafeteria Christianity - Fights with Java for the web market. It draws a few concepts from C and Java, but only those that it really likes. Maybe it's not as coherent as other languages, but at least it leaves you with much more freedom and ostensibly keeps the core idea of the whole thing. Also, the whole concept of "goto hell" was abandoned.

C++ would be Islam - It takes C and not only keeps all its laws, but adds a very complex new set of laws on top of it. It's so versatile that it can be used to be the foundation of anything, from great atrocities to beautiful works of art. Its followers are convinced that it is the ultimate universal language, and may be angered by those who disagree. Also, if you insult it or its founder, you'll probably be threatened with death by more radical followers.

C# would be Mormonism - At first glance, it's the same as Java, but at a closer look you realize that it's controlled by a single corporation (which many Java followers believe to be evil), and that many theological concepts are quite different. You suspect that it'd probably be nice, if only all the followers of Java wouldn't discriminate so much against you for following it.

Lisp would be Zen Buddhism - There is no syntax, there is no centralization of dogma, there are no deities to worship. The entire universe is there at your reach - if only you are enlightened enough to grasp it. Some say that it's not a language at all; others say that it's the only language that makes sense.

Haskell would be Taoism - It is so different from other languages that many people don't understand how can anyone use it to produce anything useful. Its followers believe that it's the true path to wisdom, but that wisdom is beyond the grasp of most mortals.

Erlang would be Hinduism - It's another strange language that doesn't look like it could be used for anything, but unlike most other modern languages, it's built around the concept of multiple simultaneous deities.

Perl would be Voodoo - An incomprehensible series of arcane incantations that involve the blood of goats and permanently corrupt your soul. Often used when your boss requires you to do an urgent task at 21:00 on friday night.

Lua would be Wicca - A pantheistic language that can easily be adapted for different cultures and locations. Its code is very liberal, and allows for the use of techniques that might be described as magical by those used to more traditional languages. It has a strong connection to the moon.

Ruby would be Neo-Paganism - A mixture of different languages and ideas that was beaten together into something that might be identified as a language. Its adherents are growing fast, and although most people look at them suspiciously, they are mostly well-meaning people with no intention of harming anyone.

Python would be Humanism: It's simple, unrestrictive, and all you need to follow it is common sense. Many of the followers claim to feel relieved from all the burden imposed by other languages, and that they have rediscovered the joy of programming. There are some who say that it is a form of pseudo-code.

COBOL would be Ancient Paganism - There was once a time when it ruled over a vast region and was important, but nowadays it's almost dead, for the good of us all. Although many were scarred by the rituals demanded by its deities, there are some who insist on keeping it alive even today.

APL would be Scientology - There are many people who claim to follow it, but you've always suspected that it's a huge and elaborate prank that got out of control.

LOLCODE would be Rastafarianism - An esoteric, Internet-born belief that nobody really takes seriously, despite all the efforts to develop and spread it.

Visual Basic would be Satanism - Except that you don't REALLY need to sell your soul to be a Satanist...

Thanks to jfs and other people on #aegisub for the suggestions. Keep in mind, this list is a joke, and is not meant to offend anyone. Also, if you're a Muslim, please don't kill me. ;)

my son just made me realize how much bettie page memorabilia i have...

my most treasured piece is a porcelain decorative light pull that finding_bleu gave to me a few years ago...

...i love it so much -- more than i think she ever knew.

Bettie Page, 1950s pin-up queen, dies in L.A.

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) – Bettie Page, one of America's most photographed pin-up girls during the 1950s, died in Los Angeles on Thursday from pneumonia, her agent said. She was 85.

Page was a ubiquitous sight during the 1950s, propelled to stardom when she posed for Playboy as Miss January 1955. Soon her image was gracing playing cards, record albums and bedroom posters across the country.

She stopped modeling in 1957, retreated from the public spotlight and turned to religion. She enjoyed a renaissance of sorts in the 1980s, as a new generation of fans became obsessed with her legacy.

Her agent, Mark Roesler, said Page was admitted to a Los Angeles-area hospital four weeks ago. She never regained consciousness after suffering a heart attack earlier this month.
With her dark bangs, alluring blue-gray eyes and wide smile, Page cultivated an innocent girl-next-door persona. The one-time school teacher was nice, but clearly also naughty. Some of her photos featured spanking and bondage.

"Bettie Page embodied the stereotypical wholesomeness of the Fifties and the hidden sexuality straining beneath the surface," authors Karen Essex and James L. Swanson wrote in their 1996 book "Bettie Page: The Life of a Pin-Up Legend."

Page professed to be mystified by all the attention, saying she never felt particularly attractive and had to wear a lot of makeup to cover up her large pores. After she found God, she was initially ashamed of having posed nude.

"(B)ut now most of the money I've got is because I posed in the nude," she told Playboy last year. "So I'm not ashamed of it now, but I still don't understand it."

Bettie Mae Page was born on April 22, 1923, in Nashville, one of six children. She and two sisters were sent to an orphanage after her father went to jail and her mother could not cope on her own. Page later described her father as "a sex fiend" who started sexually molesting her when she was 13.

Page, armed with an arts degree with Peabody College in Nashville, did her first modeling work in the 1940s after moving to San Francisco with the first of her three husbands. After they divorced in 1947, she pursued modeling in New York. Photos from a shoot with Miami photographer Bunny Yeager ended up in the pages of Playboy.

The layout featured Page winking at the camera wearing only a Santa hat as she decorated a Christmas tree. Playboy founder Hugh Hefner described it as "a milestone in the history of the magazine," which he had founded less than two years earlier.

Later in life, Page was furious that Yeager made a fortune from the photos and never compensated her.

Some American lawmakers were not as impressed with her modeling abilities. Page was served with a subpoena to appear before U.S. Senate investigators trying to discover a link between juvenile delinquency and pornography. Page never appeared. Soon after, she completely disappeared from the scene.

After two other brief marriages failed, Page battled acute schizophrenia beginning in the early 1970s. Her comeback gathered momentum with the 1991 movie "The Rocketeer," based on a comic book where the hero's girlfriend was Page. Fan clubs and websites proliferated, and Page made a good living signing memorabilia at conventions. On the rare occasions that she gave interviews, she insisted that she not be photographed.

Page had no children. There was no immediate information about funeral plans.

i remember when, i remember, i remember when i lost my mind...
there was something so pleasant about that place...
even your emotions had an echo...
...in so much space.

and when you're out there...
without care...
yeah, i was out of touch...
but it wasn't because i didn't know enough...
...i just knew too much.

does that make me crazy?
does that make me crazy?
does that make me crazy?
...probably.

and i hope that you are having the time of your life...
but think twice, that's my only advice...
come on now, who do you, who do you, who do you, who do you think you are?
ha ha ha bless your soul...
you really think you're in control...

well, i think you're crazy...
i think you're crazy...
i think you're crazy...
...just like me.

my heroes had the heart to lose their lives out on a limb...
and all i remember is thinking, i want to be like them...
ever since i was little, ever since i was little it looked like fun...
and it's no coincidence i've come...
and i can die when i'm done...

maybe i'm crazy...
maybe you're crazy...
maybe we're crazy...
...possibly.

(i wonder how chicago is treating william...)

============================

i wonder why my iPod refuses to allow me to remove this one 'plastic ono band' track...i wonder why it is that mango tastes so much more intense to me now than when i ate it daily before the crash...today i had some "flashbacks" of my grandfather...it's been almost a year since he's passed...i am going to go up and visit my grandmother next month -- and i am terrified to drive...i have a month to get over that night driving anxiety..."samson" has told me that his son was willing to help, but i think it is just going to take me doing small things like driving down to the main road and back one night...down the to gas station...down to the fast food strip...down to the highway...then onto the highway (another aspect that scares me to death now)...i am ok driving short (VERY short) distances during the day, but i do have a driver that takes me to all of my medical appointments (one of my insurance benefits)...i just can't handle night driving -- and it is so stupid that i have such an issue now...well, i guess not -- but i feel like an idiot that it has become one...

...maybe i'm crazy.

hope you all forgive me...

...hope you had happy ones.

email received:

On Mon, Nov 17, 2008 at 12:50 PM, <me81state0325146@xxxx.com> wrote: hay i saw you online ..your cute.. any hoo meybe we might chat now using windowslive my name there is jane21york@live.com add me! can't wait to talk ;] Lovexoxoxo

my response?

you have no idea who i am and what i can do to you...

...leave me alone, it is for your own safety that i say this.

==================================

i think my answer is quite appropriate, n'est-ce pas?

==================================

i am going to start seeing a different psychiatrist on a regular, therapeutic basis...i am not handling my "newly-obtained closed-head trauma brain farts" well, and before i take it out on the world i figured i'd better do it...my shrink and i decided that cognitive therapy would be the best course of action and she knows a marvelous one for me to go to...she specializes in psychodynamics and really is of no use to me other than to monitor my medications and other traumatic/PTSD-related problems...

oh, and on 11/17 i had a nice long needle stuck into my left knee...numbed it up for a day, bringing relief...i have to get another set of xrays now...will do it when i get my 6 month mammogram...but it seems to be responding to the cortisone well...

...wow.

my left arm has improved, but will forever remain slightly unable to perform some tasks...my right arm is back to 100% (except for the arthritis, but that has been there for ages)...the neurontin was increased to stop tremors, and that works really well...i have lost a mess of weight due to xenical and have had folks insist on buying me clothes since i hate shopping...i need to hang out with ari more and get into it now that i need so much...but doing alterations is also good occupational therapy...

i am still in occupational therapy and physical therapy (again, just started that again for i was doing bench presses and screwed up my shoulder)...i see my regular doc on thursday...my thyroid has been stabilized...my kidneys are now showing no signs of damage and my liver is perfect...my insulin usage has decreased...

i still have some memory problems that really bother me more than i let on...i write everything down (even moreso than my OCD-einstein syndrome-ass did before the accident) even if i have grounded my kids/what for/how long...short-term is worse than my long term, but i have blocks of time that seem hard for me to recall in the storage unit of my mind...it is very exasperating for me...i have begun to see a therapist for i am finding this whole process so emotionally frustrating and need to get it out...but all in all, my memory problems are WAY better than they were (and paul has helped me to keep a sense of humor about it when i need it -- love ya, brother!) and my hand/eye coordination is normal in my left arm but still not quite there in my left...strength is getting better...

my hair got the keith richards treatment...i have some new boots...my dream right now is for a purple walking stick and a popcorn air popper...my face is slimming down...my son said that my neck is even starting to really appear, and this fact amused him highly...

i gave away my last string of mala beads to stella years ago...today i found myself wanting a strand...i happened to have a short one, and that sufficed...i will go to the bead shoppe over on whitakker and find some new beads to make a 108 for me...

i wonder how william is doing...

i have not turned my furnace on ONCE this season -- burning wood all the way...i had a ton of it back in august...i am going to have to go to my mother's and have cody and phil (her boyfriend) load up his truck in another two weeks or so...

i have been painting more and more as of late...and i finished welding my mother's xmas gift yesterday...i'll have finished in another couple weeks...i am almost finished quilting a blanket for my new goddaughter...i have some jewelry to make for xmas and a painting for my gma to do (it is of her and my gpa, based on a photo i took of them a few years ago)...

both gma and i are starting to have a hard time knowing that soon it will have been a year since gpa died...i still have not watched the funeral dvd -- why should i? i was there...i am still angry at my aunt margo for causing my daughter to have some minor PTSD-type issues because of what she did to my dear, precious ashleigh...fucking bitch...

i love my mom...i'd never get through this without her help...and for my friend marion for listening to me when i REALLY need it...

...i'm getting there, folks -- it is just going to be a LONG road.

i just rode a rollercoaster during the last 36 or so hours...i experienced something called "thyroid storm" (basically HYPERthyroidism gone awry) -- a situation i now find highly amusing since i have been HYPOthyroid and taking medication for it since i was in my late teens...it was scary as fuck, and something that i NEVER wish to EVER experience again...the trip to the ER was NOT fun (all of these sick ass kids coughing every fucking which way)...

i still do not understand how in the hell it happened, for it has never happened to me EVER before...i have been on the same dosage of synthroid for a while now (it was increased within the past year)...the ER doc said that was what happened, and he did not know my history well enough to explain why...my doc called me today and we talked about it...between recovering from a head injury, going through menopause, losing weight my thyroid basically decided to say "oh fuck all" and go out of control...i am going back to see my doc on the 29th to see how i feel and get more lab work and discuss where do we go from here...

i had a raging headache for a few days before i almost exploded within my own skin...i got so hot...i was really super angry at anything and anyone, too...it was pretty trippy, to not have any clue what is going on and not having control like that...it was nothing compared to a super bad acid trip, that is for sure...if i feel feverish at all, i am to hit the ER immediately before i get tripped out...

...no headache today -- just super exhausted, but i guess i have a good reason to be.

i have not spoken nor heard from my father in what -- 2 years now? he emailed me today wondering about if my son is taking driver's ed and how he cannot believe that ashleigh is in the 5th grade, how it seems only yesterday he was taking her to disneyworld...FUCK YOU, OLD MAN!!! you have not even CALLED either of my kids in 2 years, no birthday or christmas cards/gifts sent to either of them -- and least their fuck-up of a father does that much...he did not even ask about me...eh, it figures...

the reason was that my dad allowed: my step-brother to work my son to death and then proceed to eventually rip him off, my step-mother to not permit my son to call me on the phone (i bought him a cell phone since it was long distance from their place) -- basically, my father is an asshole...i picked up my son (and he STILL was not paid by my stepbrother when i arrived) refused to let my son go back to work for my stepbrother...my father got all pissed off at me...my SISTER (the lawyer) called him up and said that he better make sure that our stepbrother gets money to cody ASAP...and that REALLY made my dad mad as hell -- and the cashier check that cody received was short, but if he signed it he agreed that the matter was settled (see, my stepbrother took out a loan from my father to buy new lawn equipment that year and decided that cody had to help him pay for it by charging him 'equipment rental fee'...yeah, i know -- what a tard!)...i told cody to just take it and remember to never work for my stepbrother again...

...funny, i can refer to him as my stepbrother and wife v. 5.0 as my stepmother here but not IRL -- i only do it here to protect the innocent (me, if they ever find my journal -- buaaaaaaaaaaahahahaha!).

then shortly after that, my son sent my dad a 'dear john' letter -- completely calling him out on how he treats me, how my stepmother talks smack behind my back while he and his sister are visiting -- and my dad DOES NOT STOP HER...i told my son that i honestly do not give a shit -- i have outlived any of his marriages and this crap has gone on LONG before any of wives 2 through 5, and i am immune...

...i need some sleep.

doc visit today kinda sucked...my doc moved to a new network and is gone...this one barely speaks english...i think i am going to have to see someone else in the practice...(this is my primary care doc)...

i broke an acoustic guitar the other day because my left hand would not listen to what the brain was telling it to do...i regret it, but i am so frustrated about not being whole...i know it will all come back in time, and i am progressing...i was discharged from physical therapy last friday and i am still in occupational therapy and working on my arms and hands...but it hurts a lot, i am not going to deny it...

another doc appointment last week was surreal -- i saw the younger brother of a friend of mine...the kid used to eat his boogers, and now he is a neurologist...

today i got a present from my grandmother -- but i am not to open it until tomorrow...must be something related to 9-11...

trader joe's has these amazing roasted gorgonzola crackers (like cheeze-its for adults)...cody and i went back on monday to get 5 more boxes...they were already out of them...probably a good thing, for when i saw the neurologist for my massive head pain the other day when they weighed me i had lost another 10.7 pounds...i would have eaten all of those crackers by today and blown my healthy lifestyle to shit over some cheese...

...mmmmm -- i still have 2 boxes, though.

the mind knows that the soul desires what the heart wants, but cannot have...

loving him...hating him...loving him...cursing him...no matter what turn on the rollercoaster i have been on, he remains in the back of my mind, wanting him forever...though we had tried and tried again -- it just never worked...there has always been a ghost in the machine or a processor within my internal nanotechnologic-sphere misplaced...

perhaps we should have tried some sort of counseling, a friend once told me...at the time, i found that notion ridiculous...now i am wondering if i gave up ship as soon as i was hit with albatross shit...

now he has moved from michigan and i still remain silent -- adoring him with intense admiration as i watch the growth and accomplishment that he has made...when i woke up from the accident last month and thought i was re-living a bad dream, my mind instantly travelled to a much happier time...i remembered when he came to see me in the hospital many years ago for his heart was torn knowing that i had basically bled out that november evening...i remember the balloon and hard candy he brought to me (i still have both)...i remember the CDs that he brought for me to listen to (and he told me that he never let anyone borrow from his infamous music collection -- that to me meant so much, i hope that he truly understood that)...i remember the score of the red wings game that we had on as we were laying in my hospital bed together...second period, 0-2 with the wings leading when i pretended to fall asleep just to listen to his heartbeat and see the colors of his sound beneath my eyelids -- though knowing that he needed to be able to sneak out to get home for he had work the next morning, i just wanted to soak in as much as i could for i hated being there alone...

...i believe that they were playing the blackhawks, but i might be mistaken on that one.

the 'sperm donor' failed to appear for our friend of the court hearing...not only did he fail to appear, but he failed to even submit the documents the court requested from him back on 5/1...so i get an increase of $300 a month, and that is retroactive to 5/1 (the date that they sent the packets to us for the information they wanted)...they found it odd since he is so meticulous about paying his support and giving them everything on time, etc...the court evaluator said that he probably read my statement as to why i am making the first request for an increase in child support in 15 fucking years and is just going to et me have what the court decides (NOTE: that is since i had an order for cody...got an increase when adding ashleigh back in 1998 for 2 kids and have kept receiving that $435/month for 10 years)...

he has 21 days to file an appeal/objection...then it will be official that i receive $722/month & he will have an arrearage that dates back 4 months to cough up...

it is not like i did this to hurt him -- it is i have never asked for an increase for i have always made very good money and did not need any additional help...but now that i am not working as much as i have in the past, making less than i used to, and now he has a business that is thriving it is HIS turn to do his part...too bad that he will only pay the additional support and still ignore the part about where he is to obtain medical insurance for the kids (i have always made sure that they had coverage)...

'samson' needs a new nickname for him, but i digress -- yesterday he did the unthinkable...he told me that he was falling in love with me...i told him that he shouldn't, for i don't feel the same way and not sure that i would...

...i just can't.

if you had to choose between one or the other for any given reason, which color would you choose?

(don't ask me for an item or reason, just go with the flow and answer the freaking question)